and i thought i was done

I thought i may be through with this venue fearing that I had nothing new to share and afraid that it was unhealthy, the thoughts and processes I was going through.

oh well...

Tonight i watched my young son's face as he slept.  As usual I was overcome with joy in the miracle of his health and a bit of fear that I couldn't always keep him from harm.  I also felt a wave of sadness as I thought of the beauty in his and his sister's faces and how I wonder how the faces of the twins would have looked as they grew.
I miss them so very much.

I finally went to a park yesterday and today.  I have been uncomfortable in the thought of going but I knew the kids would enjoy the time.  They did and yes I was also uncomfortable.  I feel such a longing and sadness when i see families with more children than i have.  My imagination turns to thinking of how the twins would have looked beside their brother and sister in the park, playing and exploring life.
I miss them so very much.

Sometimes I think of what I would be doing now if my pregnancy would have lasted to full term.  I wonder if the body has some imprint that it 'should' be pregnant right now.  I would have been resting a lot most likely being big with the twins.  I would have counted and folded new and old receiving blankets remembering their stories of my other children and thinking about the new stories they would hold.  I would have had my old trusty white wire shelves full of diapers and blankets because really that is all you need to get started with the little ones.

I see my family and am filled with gratitude.
I see my family and something seems missing.  We seem like such a smaller unit than we should be.
I see my family.  I remember my twin girls.  I hurt for the pain Zaria went through in her short earthly life.

I think the pain of losing a child is the greatest pain one can bear.  When I think of my deceased father, I miss him.  I wish he could have met my husband and my children.  I recall all the loving memories of my life with him.
When I think of my lost baby girls I am overcome with grief.
I miss them so very much.

making myself write or right

I had to revisit pictures tonight. I have been so sad, can I blame hormones and the full moon?  Probably not totally as i am seeing and feeling this grief process as a big circle.  Sadness to anger to sadness to numbness to disbelief and so forth, these are the days for me.  It is still quite astounding when I notice myself laugh and I catch myself and look at myself and think "what am i doing?"

Honestly, when I look back on the summer's experiences of losing my twin babies and the time spent in the hospital with Zaria, the word that is stamped on my brain is harrowing.  The pictures and glimpses I scan through as I do the mental roladex thing just makes me think: harrowing.  I am not feeling joy from the pictures; I feel so bad for Zaria's pain and existence in that hospital room.  I am angry with myself that that is the word that I associate with this/these experiences.

A few days ago Luke and I realized that she would be almost four months old or we realize that I would be in my final few weeks of pregnancy.

I have not wanted to write.  I feel like I was forcing myself and not wanting to expose myself to others.  I have had a 'make-over'.  There are some parts of the old me that exist but there is a new part added and the old part is colored with the new part as well.

The holidays....sheesh.


Added Note:
although I sat with tears last night by putting my jumbled feelings and thoughts into written word I felt lighter somehow.