I had to revisit pictures tonight. I have been so sad, can I blame hormones and the full moon? Probably not totally as i am seeing and feeling this grief process as a big circle. Sadness to anger to sadness to numbness to disbelief and so forth, these are the days for me. It is still quite astounding when I notice myself laugh and I catch myself and look at myself and think "what am i doing?"
Honestly, when I look back on the summer's experiences of losing my twin babies and the time spent in the hospital with Zaria, the word that is stamped on my brain is harrowing. The pictures and glimpses I scan through as I do the mental roladex thing just makes me think: harrowing. I am not feeling joy from the pictures; I feel so bad for Zaria's pain and existence in that hospital room. I am angry with myself that that is the word that I associate with this/these experiences.
A few days ago Luke and I realized that she would be almost four months old or we realize that I would be in my final few weeks of pregnancy.
I have not wanted to write. I feel like I was forcing myself and not wanting to expose myself to others. I have had a 'make-over'. There are some parts of the old me that exist but there is a new part added and the old part is colored with the new part as well.
The holidays....sheesh.
Added Note:
although I sat with tears last night by putting my jumbled feelings and thoughts into written word I felt lighter somehow.
Honestly, when I look back on the summer's experiences of losing my twin babies and the time spent in the hospital with Zaria, the word that is stamped on my brain is harrowing. The pictures and glimpses I scan through as I do the mental roladex thing just makes me think: harrowing. I am not feeling joy from the pictures; I feel so bad for Zaria's pain and existence in that hospital room. I am angry with myself that that is the word that I associate with this/these experiences.
A few days ago Luke and I realized that she would be almost four months old or we realize that I would be in my final few weeks of pregnancy.
I have not wanted to write. I feel like I was forcing myself and not wanting to expose myself to others. I have had a 'make-over'. There are some parts of the old me that exist but there is a new part added and the old part is colored with the new part as well.
The holidays....sheesh.
Added Note:
although I sat with tears last night by putting my jumbled feelings and thoughts into written word I felt lighter somehow.
I wish you peace, Hope. It will come. I'm happy to read that writing out your feelings has helped you feel a little lighter. Write when you want, what you want. It's up to you (only). We're lucky to get to read your words. xo.
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