really, it is me. part II

I flash upon the night of July 20th.  No reason for this to come to my mind other than I tend to have thoughts surrounding the birth of my twin girls and their very short lives quite often.

It is hard to comprehend that this really happened to me.  I ask my husband, "did you have any idea this would happen?" No, it had never crossed his mind, he thought we were safely along our way into the fifth month of pregnancy.  I ask my daughter "what are you angry about?"  Mom, really?  I lost my twin sisters this summer, our life has no planning and I don't know what is going on....that is what she said.  We give thanks before dinner with a special prayer at the end for the twins but my son will not include the name of his sister whom he met for the first and last time, right before she died.

My kids helping pack up mama's milk destined for other babies in NICU.

Today I visited with my aunt.  Someone who I had listened to just a few years before as she shared just a bit of her grief over her daughter's death.  At that time I knew I could only listen as I knew not what to say; I did not have the knowledge.  Now I do.

I look around her house at the many memories of her daughter.  So many memories that surround her.  I think wow, she is so lucky to look around and remember this story or that day.  Is she lucky or isn't she? Hmm, am i lucky or aren't I? Does it matter about the luck of these things?

Little brother touching his sister's foot.
I so wish I had a picture of me caressing her toes.

I hold my breathe and wait.  Will there be a shift and do i really want a shift?  I know I can't go on with this heaviness in my heart every time I rise from the bed.  It isn't fair to me, my children, my husband, my mother or even the greater world.  But I also want to savor the grief as it is a reminder of my twin babies.  The grief is a way to be with them and think of them several times a day.  I still want to do that and really I don't know that I couldn't.

See, she has a hold of those sweet toes! (Aunt C. and  my niece)

Today my sweet chubby niece was doing her baby thing by squinching her toes.  I love when they do that.  It reminded me of the special physical time I had with Zaria when I had to have her squinch her little toe to my finger so my day could be complete.  It just amazes me that someone so very small and that I knew for such a short time could impact my life, well totally change my life in a huge way.  Again I am so very thankful and so very sad.

Love to Zaria and Abigail