I thought i may be through with this venue fearing that I had nothing new to share and afraid that it was unhealthy, the thoughts and processes I was going through.
oh well...
Tonight i watched my young son's face as he slept. As usual I was overcome with joy in the miracle of his health and a bit of fear that I couldn't always keep him from harm. I also felt a wave of sadness as I thought of the beauty in his and his sister's faces and how I wonder how the faces of the twins would have looked as they grew.
I miss them so very much.
I finally went to a park yesterday and today. I have been uncomfortable in the thought of going but I knew the kids would enjoy the time. They did and yes I was also uncomfortable. I feel such a longing and sadness when i see families with more children than i have. My imagination turns to thinking of how the twins would have looked beside their brother and sister in the park, playing and exploring life.
I miss them so very much.
Sometimes I think of what I would be doing now if my pregnancy would have lasted to full term. I wonder if the body has some imprint that it 'should' be pregnant right now. I would have been resting a lot most likely being big with the twins. I would have counted and folded new and old receiving blankets remembering their stories of my other children and thinking about the new stories they would hold. I would have had my old trusty white wire shelves full of diapers and blankets because really that is all you need to get started with the little ones.
I see my family and am filled with gratitude.
I see my family and something seems missing. We seem like such a smaller unit than we should be.
I see my family. I remember my twin girls. I hurt for the pain Zaria went through in her short earthly life.
I think the pain of losing a child is the greatest pain one can bear. When I think of my deceased father, I miss him. I wish he could have met my husband and my children. I recall all the loving memories of my life with him.
When I think of my lost baby girls I am overcome with grief.
I miss them so very much.
oh well...
Tonight i watched my young son's face as he slept. As usual I was overcome with joy in the miracle of his health and a bit of fear that I couldn't always keep him from harm. I also felt a wave of sadness as I thought of the beauty in his and his sister's faces and how I wonder how the faces of the twins would have looked as they grew.
I miss them so very much.
I finally went to a park yesterday and today. I have been uncomfortable in the thought of going but I knew the kids would enjoy the time. They did and yes I was also uncomfortable. I feel such a longing and sadness when i see families with more children than i have. My imagination turns to thinking of how the twins would have looked beside their brother and sister in the park, playing and exploring life.
I miss them so very much.
Sometimes I think of what I would be doing now if my pregnancy would have lasted to full term. I wonder if the body has some imprint that it 'should' be pregnant right now. I would have been resting a lot most likely being big with the twins. I would have counted and folded new and old receiving blankets remembering their stories of my other children and thinking about the new stories they would hold. I would have had my old trusty white wire shelves full of diapers and blankets because really that is all you need to get started with the little ones.
I see my family and am filled with gratitude.
I see my family and something seems missing. We seem like such a smaller unit than we should be.
I see my family. I remember my twin girls. I hurt for the pain Zaria went through in her short earthly life.
I think the pain of losing a child is the greatest pain one can bear. When I think of my deceased father, I miss him. I wish he could have met my husband and my children. I recall all the loving memories of my life with him.
When I think of my lost baby girls I am overcome with grief.
I miss them so very much.
Hope,
ReplyDeleteI am grateful for you to share these thoughts with us. Please don't feel as though you need to be done with this blog. I think it's beneficial in so many ways, to you and those who read it.
And I feel that it is healthy to share these thoughts and feelings, not unhealthy.
We love you and are always here for you. Sometimes it's not as easy to speak how you feel on things, not to mention all of the nonstop attention our kids want from us when you visit. This allows me to understand your feelings that much deeper, and it is healing for me too. <3
I've been so consumed with my life that I haven't stopped by here in a while. I'm sorry for that. I hope you're reading this from your new home and that you all are settling nicely there, in your new space. Big hugs, Hope.
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