I hear the rain beating on the tin roof wishing it would wash me away. Sometimes I want to de-materialize and stop thinking and feeling and hurting. Probably not a few hours go by without something reminding me of my pregnancy and my lost babies. Tonight I stumbled across the first email I sent out to friends and family telling of the labor and loss and birth and hope. I still cry and despair and wonder at how time has marched onward: it has been almost six months since I delivered the twins. I still ache and wonder why I don't have my arms and time filled with two little 2month old girls.
My life is really not so smooth these days. I have lost friends, been hurt by family, battling with dietary and health crap, and not knowing how to relate and soothe my little home full of people. When problems arise they seem so big, so heavy. I think, dang I am wasting another minute, another hour, another day. What to do?
Certainly my biggest concern is for my husband and my kids. I have been afraid to feel deeply for them, to touch and give fully of myself. It hurts and it is scary and so very painful. From this trauma my imprint of deep feelings is so huge and hard and hurtful. Certainly at times I want to give up. Mostly I want to save my family and friend relations but right now I just want to cry.
Keep myself busy, forward on: wash the dishes, prepare the meals, teach the kids BUT where is the time to feel? It is going to take some time, it can't be rushed. It is going to hurt like a sharp knife but I know it has to happen to move forward, to heal some.
My life is really not so smooth these days. I have lost friends, been hurt by family, battling with dietary and health crap, and not knowing how to relate and soothe my little home full of people. When problems arise they seem so big, so heavy. I think, dang I am wasting another minute, another hour, another day. What to do?
Certainly my biggest concern is for my husband and my kids. I have been afraid to feel deeply for them, to touch and give fully of myself. It hurts and it is scary and so very painful. From this trauma my imprint of deep feelings is so huge and hard and hurtful. Certainly at times I want to give up. Mostly I want to save my family and friend relations but right now I just want to cry.
Keep myself busy, forward on: wash the dishes, prepare the meals, teach the kids BUT where is the time to feel? It is going to take some time, it can't be rushed. It is going to hurt like a sharp knife but I know it has to happen to move forward, to heal some.
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