Letter from August 17, 11:13pm/PST

Wanted to share these pictures with you all.  The one with my hand was
to give you a scale of Zaria's size (1 lb 14 oz as of early morning on
8/17).
These were taken before she got a bunch of needle pokes and added iv
lines.  These procedures weren't because there was a new problem but
the lines wear out over time and have to be redone.  When I went to
see her this evening she was so mad.  I have never seen her cry so
much.
But all in all we sure have a little fighter on our hands.  She is
fiesty and alert.  She tends to kick off her pillows, scoot around in
her bed and throw pacifiers.  Right now she has determined she will
work hard on surviving the NICU.  All her levels have been pretty good
and as of Monday her head scan showed no more bleeding of the brain
and no inflammation.  In fact the blood that had been there is being
reabsorbed by the body.
She is back on the jet ventilator and it could still be awhile before
she transitions to a traditional ventilator and into our arms (called
Kangaroo Care).  Her lungs look like micropreemie lungs which just
don't look good.  These things can heal but we are unsure what it will
take to get her weaned off the different stages of vents.
Family and friends are still doing all the right things for us and we
so appreciate it; we feel the love and support, enjoy the cards and
packages, and savor the occassional phone call that we squeze in to
the day.  Currently a team of folks are packing up our home on Leonard
Street to alleviate bills and rent for us.  Our chicken flock has
successfully been moved to foster care and Luke still plans to return
for work sometime soon and stay for a couple weeks.
Out in Reno our family is still dealing well with us taking over their
daily lives and schedules.  They are such a bright spot and we are
thankful.
Personally I am having a difficult time.  I spend my mornings trying
to understand what happened and yes, unfortunately going through the
'what-ifs'.  I spend my evenings thinking about my little girl having
to lay in a bed alone and dealing with whatever pain and discomfort
all of this is serving her.  My daytimes are the best as I spend a
couple hours by her bedside just watching, sometimes touching and
helping and other times trying to let her know how much I love her and
support her energetically.