Letter from August 7, 10:10pm/PST

Well I think I have been resisting creating a new post.  Not that I
don't get release from writing to you all but I am scared.  I am
scared of the raw emotions that are rising within me.  I really don't
want to face them or deal with them.
Since Zaria has been born I have been so busy with a minute to minute
survival of my daughter.  The past few days she has given us a break
from the 'earth shattering' changes and I have so enjoyed my time just
sitting with her.  But my time away from her is filled with much
unease, restlessness and some depression. 
I had not spent any time 'researching' preemies, problems, the NICU,
and so forth other than asking lots of questions of nurses and
sometimes doctors.  Now that I have a bit more time I am wanting to
read up on these terms that I hear over and over like "chronic lung
disease", "steroids", and such.  Yikes.  Just spending a half hour on
the internet makes me question doctors, methods and realize that this
journey is really (just like i have been told over and over) going to
be very long and very hard.  It is one thing just living it but when
you read about others' experiences and the things that happen (or can
happen) along a preemies health timeline then it is just plain
overwhelming.
Anyway back to the newest love of my life Zaria.  She is so sweet.
She is beginning to open both eyes and keep them open for longer
intervals.  I can see her dark hair and how she is becoming more used
to her body.  Lately she has started to enjoy us enveloping her in a
'hand womb'.  We hold her feet and bottom and cup her head with the
other hand.  I love the way she pushes my hand with her legs and grabs
my fingers with her toes or fingers.  Luke is noticing that she is
responding to his voice as well.  It is also getting easier to quickly
tune in with her energetically.  I think she likes me to cup her with
my mind and burn sage in the space surrounding her body.
The kids both remember her as we give thanks for our evening meal.
They speak of her more often and love seeing pictures of her.  Being
away from home is not easy for D & D but thankfully they are resilient
kids and have such supportive, fun and loving family hanging around
them.
hugs
hope