nights to be close to our little girl during the final days of her
earthly life. We spent time in this room and in the hospital garden
arguing for her life and trying to understand how we could allow her
breathing tube to be withdrawn and finally how we would know it was
the right time.
Zaria was not going to go easily and we realized that a 'natural
death' led by her was going to be very physically painful for her and
emotionally painful for all of us in the NICU. My friend Erin said to
me as I cried "How to I end my child's life?!", she said write your
thoughts and perhaps some clarity will come from this.
Mama's writing:
Earthbound on July 21, 2011
Zaria Seren Hope
We love you
We cherish your commitment
to spend time with us
Parents that love her
Luke & Hope
Sister and brother who adore her
Demetrius and Delta
Friends and family who support her
uncountable
July 27, Saturday a bit past midday...
NICU (Renown Regional Hospital, Reno, NV) is quiet and expectant.
Papa is soothed by the comfortable weight of his daughter laying on
his chest, her tiny fingers grasping the "carpet" of chest hair on his
breast. He hums softly to her as Mama leans over to nuzzle and kiss
her soft head.
Nurse Jan assists our daughter in her comfort from pain as she
administers morphine every four hours. We are living in the
'protective' bubble of the hospital. Mostly loving the cherished time
we are spending with our youngest daughter; maybe somewhat biding
our time.
When is it time to let go?
How to I ever totally convince myself that I have to let go of my
Zaria's earthly presence?
If and when the time comes will I have the presence of mind and
self control to call on the guides to help her on her special way?
How are my other two children? Are they able to successfully
weather these changes without our physical presence?
Should Luke and I talk of this? Do we ask questions and who do we
ask? Are there answers that we are open to hearing?
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