Letter from July 23, 1:29am/PST

Date: Sat, Jul 23, 2011 at 4:29 AM
Subject: Re: update on mcmullan twins in Reno 


hi friends,
thanks so much for all the thoughts, prayers, emails, calls and so forth.
 They all really mean a lot and make me cry and smile.  Sorry to those I
missed today.  It seems like once things get rolling around here they don't
stop.
First baby girl:  she is doing great right now.  We get to see her as often
as possible and the staff is really amazing.  Watching them maneuver such
tiny tubes and fingers and diapers is just astounding.  She found her thumb
today and enjoys pacifying herself by sucking it.  She likes to make trouble
by pulling at her mouth tubes (probably b/c they are in the way of her
thumb) but someone is right there to be on top of all these little things
that are helping her in survival and growth.  They take xrays every few
hours, mostly of the lungs and last night she had a brain scan (looking for
hemoraging) with no problems.  We exchanged scents today as we gave her a
little something that smelled of us and we took one of her blankets to hold
and smell.
The NICU is a hopping place but we hope to be spending a lot of time there
for the next 16 weeks.
It is really hard to process the passing of our twin girl Abigail.  It
throws us off sometimes when visitors arrive with condolences because we are
spending so much time on thinking about the baby girl in NICU, healing my
body, giving energy to our other two children, and enjoying the support of a
large community of friends and family.  In some ways I am not ready to
process it either as it is such a huge thing that happened to us.  It still
throws me off that I am no longer pregnant.  I think the hospital is kind of
like a bubble and probably many of the emotions will be more real and raw
when we leave on Sunday.
Delta and Demetrius are in good hands.  It is extremely hard for them though
and we hope to spend some individual time with them tomorrow (there is a
great healing garden around the hospital and a park across the street).
 Children are never allowed in NICU so we hope to make the experience that
their sister is having (visitors, staff, daily hoopla) more real to them.
 Of course they miss having mama and papa at home but thankfully we will be
spending nights together soon.
Luke of course is my trooper.  His family is being so great in helping feed
and nurture him in the hospital.  We have this pretty and roomy suite with
huge windows overlooking the city and the mountains including Mt. Rose.  The
sunrises are very nurturing as well.  Luke visits his little girl several
times a day and night and the helpful nurses are keeping him informed and
included.  The nurse that was with baby girl the last few days has been
working in NICU since 1979; she is a great teacher!
Well I should take advantage of the quiet time and get some sleep.  I am
finally off antibiotics in the morning so I won't have to lug my IV pole
around everywhere.  I am moving around fairly well albeit slow.  Still
pumping and waiting (although not very patiently) for milk to come in a bit
heavier so I can send some down to NICU in anticipation for baby girl to be
able to use it.  The staff is very sweet and helpful and one of the members
presented us with a beautiful memory box and hand/feet mold of our little
Abigail.  I am not ready to open it but the personal touches were so
heartfelt.
I am feeling a lot of anger and frustration around the actual birth process
(yesterday it was more like guilt and sadness) but folks are listening to me
vent which is really helpful.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
thanks again and I will talk to many of you soon.  Know that I am not
ignoring your greetings just that it seems like the days are just hoping
and then you are in bed when I finally can take a breather!  Love to each of
you.
Mama Hope